Where It Breaks Down

I am quickly learning that the majority of problems in relationships (of all kinds) result from one person assuming what the other person is thinking, OR assuming that he or she understands the problem before having bothered to listen.

Anger isn't rationale, that isn't disputed. But the feelings that led us to anger, may be rationale. The feelings that led us to feeling pain, may be rationale. Unfortunately, we sometimes confuse the rationality of the reaction with the rationality of the factors causing that reaction. This is where most men seem to write off women, and women's responses to feeling pain.

Unhelpful Phrases:
- "you are overreacting"
- "relax, you need to relax"
- "calm down"

Instead of focusing on soothing a person, we sometimes immediately initiate a counter-attack of excuses. But this approach is wrong, for several reasons. (1) If you have already hurt someone, and you can see they are in pain, that person doesn't want to hear your excuses for that behavior (2) a person in this state cannot understand an excuse, because all they feel is pain (3) it doesn't really matter why the person is hurt, it matters IN THE MOMENT that they are hurt, and that they are looking for caring words and not excuses.

The unfortunate result of these situations is that an argument is created when both parties aren't able to discuss the matter rationally, one being blinded by pain, and the other blinded by a defensive attitude.

But even when things have settled, and emotions have balanced, the next big problem occurs: one person assumes they already understand the problem before listening, OR they prematurely assert understanding after having feigned an open mind.