That Word
I do not want to hear it spoke,
that familiar, yet unfamiliar word.
She's not there anymore,
but then again, she never was.
I used to believe,she was real.
But now I realize I was living off hope.
I woke up one day,
and decided I was done,
I couldn't say it.
The sensation of comfort one should feel,
has been replaced with a permanent emptiness.
So please don't ask me to say it,
or use it, because I have no mother.
Being Present
In my last post, I included an excerpt which in sum, says to slow down enough to be present and attentive, to struggle against the need to always being doing something.
In the last month, I have tried to take the time to do just that, to be more attentive, and to reflect.
When you slow down enough, to feel your heart beating, to hear the ticking clock and murmur of voices blur into the background, there is a space left. Only in that space, can the seeds of awareness grow, can the mind take a breath and reflect, and is the heart left to open up and shed all the pain that you've housed and hidden away.
It is so easy to keep the mind distracted, especially for those of us striving to maintain everything that is outward, professional lives, social lives, and our intimate lives. For the type A, which I admit I am, you want everything, but there is a cost. You want to excel in every part of your life, but there comes a moment when you realize that your efforts to attain can keep you from being happy. You start putting everything and everyone ahead of yourself, you focus on the views of others. Ultimately, you can lose yourself.
Growing up, my biggest concern in life was just getting out of the house. I spent as much time as I could out of the house, away from my mother. I exerted so much energy trying to cope with the destructive environment that I had to wake up and return to every day. Once I entered college, and had successfully separated myself from the grips of my mother, at least physically (although not financially), I was too busy with class, studying, friends, and partying to allow room for much spiritual or emotional growth. Soon after, I went to law school which left even less time to let myself emotionally breath. The idea of creating some sort of space in which to reflect on anything other than cases, rules, and the IRAC method, was simply not in my mind.
I find myself now, trying to look back at the past several years through a new lens. Now armed with the recent revelation that all that my mother did, and continues to do, is neither my fault, nor within my power to change, I am attempting to uncover the scars of old wounds, instead of simply hiding them. I am forcing myself to slow down, to be attentive, and open my heart.
Phase 1: Reading
I stumbled into a local book store, looking for a book on Buddhism. I chose this book by Lama Surya Das to start. I know nothing about the author, haven't read any reviews of the book. But based on the table of contents and back cover, it seemed like it could offer something.
I will share passages from this book, and others, from time to time. Here is a passage I particularly like about slowing things down long enough to meditate on the present. The passage reminded me that I have lost some of myself in doing too much for too many years, and that it is time to slow things down.
"Truth is always resonant now, in the now. It's up to us to catch up. It's kind of high speed, breathtaking actually. We have to catch up to that by slowing down enough to be present and attentive enough to sink our roots, take our Buddha seat, and be fully present in the now, not always a couple of steps ahead of ourselves, as we usually are --leaning forward, reaching toward the next step, staggering forward on the treadmill of karmic doings under the momentum of events. Although being is within and prior to doing and remains unaffected and unadulterated by actions, we tend to lose ourselves in doing, thus losing touch with our pure intrinsic being. If we can slow down enough and pay sufficient objective attention, becoming consciously awake enough to fully inhabit the present moment, we can catch up with that speed-of-light dimension."
And She Begins Again . . .
I decided to begin writing again. I don't know if I still have any readers, but perhaps I will again.
The theme of my posts go forward will be somewhat different from those in the prior years, at least for a period of time I would like to focus on writing only on the following three things: the teachings of Buddhism, the benefits and challenges of reflection, and finally the decision to accept what I cannot change.
Why these three subjects, and more importantly why now?
- Why Buddhism? I find that of my little reading it offers everything that I have been searching for that I could never get from Christianity and I have been starved for a spiritual foundation which I hope it can ultimately offer me. I also greatly appreciate the connections between yoga and Buddhism. Why now? After finally beginning to get settled, being done with law school, done with the bar, done with planning a wedding and getting married, I finally seem to have the mental space to devote to spiritual study.
- Why Reflection? With the mind distracted with continuous tasks, there is little time left for thought. Looking back on the past five years of my life, I have failed to create time to reflect for longer than a few minutes here and there. And the time I did have for reflection was often while driving, on the train, on the elliptical; in other words, not true meditative reflection. My first step of course is to create time, my second to allow for reflection, and my final goal to quiet the mind and learn to meditate.
- Why Acceptance? I have struggled for the past twelve years of my life to have a healthy relationship with my mother, to help her change, to try to be more communicative with her, to please her, to make her happy, and so on. Finally, at the ripe age of 28, I am finally determined to accept that there is so much I cannot change. This acceptance is greatly linked to the prior two items: finding a spiritual base which I hope helps me find peace, reflecting on the prior twelve years, and finally accepting the past and present for what it is and then moving on.
And so it begins . . .
Update
I haven't written for months, partly because I've been really busy and partly because I haven't been in the mood to sit down and write posts.
In late July, I took the California Bar Exam. In August, I traveled to France for vacation. In September, I started my job. In early November I was DELIGHTED that people got out and voted for Barack Obama and for the first time in my life was proud of and hopeful for the United States. Most recently, on November 21st, I got my results from the bar exam: I PASSED!
I am still settling into my job, enjoying being able to finally call myself a lawyer after three years of law school, three days of the bar exam, and months of waiting. That's about it for now. I hope to get back into writing soon.
